I don’t know if you’ve seen the film, ‘Edge of Tomorrow‘ (I’d rate it 3 out of 5 by the way, it was good but not enough for a re-watch :/) but the basic plot is that the main character is killed in battle in this dystopian war zone and wakes up back in time before he heads to the front line again. He tries to find ways to change his situation so that he doesn’t meet the same fate. He lives, he dies, he wakes up and no matter what he does it happens again. Now, I won’t spoil the ending but the general sameness and frustration of reliving the same day is what I’m getting at.
This year, I’ve pretty much lived doing the same things: studying, working or going to grocery shops. I mean, I even know which branch of Tesco carries my favourite cheese, which has that cashier that recognises me and which will have the shortest lines for self-checkout at two in the afternoon. I got a trolley from the same line, picked the same food, always forget that my brother wanted ice cream, went back for it, caught the same bus, walked the 12 minutes and 20 seconds from the bus stop to my house then studied or worked. I know how many tiles there are on the wall in my bathroom, the code of the bridge near my house, the 36 steps from my front door until my phone disconnects from my WiFi.
I missed just randomly bumping into people on campus, making plans last minute to go out to eat, I missed my siblings, I missed the strangers that ask for directions, I missed being late for something because of the Tube, I missed my friends, I missed that awkward side shuffle you did to let someone past you on the street, I missed popcorn at the cinema, the pasta at my favourite restaurant and the glaring lights at my local library. The normal bustle was gone and it had sucked all the energy with it.
At the time, I didn’t even realise the depth of the monotony. I couldn’t hide in my studies after the last day of summer term and working became even more tiresome. My dad worked nights and my sisters lived outside of London. My brothers were learning from home. I slowly trapped myself in my bedroom, the silent solitude creeping in and I was just barely keeping it at bay by scrolling through social media or listening to music.
I kept feeling like I was literally on the edge of tomorrow, as though I would wake up the next day and it would be fixed, but I didn’t even know what ‘it’ was. The boredom was transitioning into an ambivalence that felt oddly sinister. I didn’t get it. I was healthy, there was food in the house, a roof over my head. Especially in times like this, shouldn’t I just be grateful?
It was only until when I was getting messages from friends that I realised this was a low point for me in terms of my mental health, which felt a bit silly. I know mental health is so important and I’m a medical student! How could I not notice I wasn’t taking care of myself?
I didn’t wake up and just move on from the emotional crater I’d left behind me, I had to pour a substantial amount of time and energy into it. I tried keeping up with my friends more, cooked different meals to mix it up and asked for help when I needed it. I started scheduling in time for fun (which for me consists of tea and a good book: currently re-reading ‘The Left Hand of Darkness‘ by the queen of sci-fi herself, Ursula Le Guin which is a solid 4 out of 5!). I wouldn’t get back into my bed once I had woken until I was ready to sleep and I would make sure I was drinking enough water and eating well. If I just needed to let some energy out I would dance around my room like a maniac or if I wasn’t up to using my brain at that moment, I’d just lie on the floor and stare at my ceiling.
More tangible advice would be keeping a diary or journal (I have a paper one and a anonymous online blog), picking up a new skill or hobby or something random you’ve always wanted to try (I’m dusting off my very rusty French), exercise (this is the bane of my existence but I’ll occasionally follow a Yoga with Adriene video) and if you already use Spotify Premium with your student discount, they now bundle in free access to Headspace (an app for mindfulness and meditation) which I’m finding really useful for calming and grounding myself.
“We’ll be alive again in a thousand blades of grass, and a million leaves; we’ll be falling in the raindrops and blowing in the fresh breeze; we’ll be glistening in the dew under the stars and the moon out there in the physical world, which is our true home and always was.” – The Amber Spyglass, Philip Pullman.
That’s a quote from the last book in the ‘His Dark Materials’ trilogy that never fails to make me cry (not as tear inducing without the context of the ending of that story but I won’t spoil it, I just managed to convince my best friend to read it). But it’s true, eventually it will all pass, the stress, the anxiety and the pain, and we’ll all be connected again. Right now, a lot of us are just coping and that’s okay. I would personally recommend reaching out to your tutor or other staff or friends or someone you trust if you think you need help, you aren’t alone. No harm in asking for help, if someone asked you for the same, even just for you to listen, you would do it.
