{"id":3591,"date":"2018-05-05T16:53:59","date_gmt":"2018-05-05T16:53:59","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/blogs.imperial.ac.uk\/student-blogs\/?p=3591"},"modified":"2021-08-17T14:58:48","modified_gmt":"2021-08-17T14:58:48","slug":"i-dont-belong-at-imperial","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/blogs.imperial.ac.uk\/student-blogs\/2018\/05\/05\/i-dont-belong-at-imperial\/","title":{"rendered":"I Don’t Belong At Imperial?!"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is the one where I open up.<\/h3>\n

“Imposter syndrome is a recognised phenomenon, first identified by psychologists in 1978, and describes a feeling that your achievements are undeserved and the fear of being exposed as a fraud. Those with imposter syndrome tend to feel that luck rather than ability lies behind their successes.”<\/em><\/span><\/strong> (1)<\/sup><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Getting into Imperial was a massive deal for me. I had not planned to apply at all- but I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life looking back with what ifs.
\nI didn’t think I was smart enough.\u00a0I’ve always had a fluctuating impression of myself; ranging from borderline conceited to possessing a pretty low self esteem.<\/p>\n

In terms of academic success in school, I often attributed it to being more of an efficient worker and having surprisingly good cramming skills rather than intelligence. At the time, it felt like all I did was memorise mark schemes and regurgitate them onto the exam papers.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

I sometimes come across university students who say that A-Levels were a breeze- I’m not sure whether they’re just being pretentious or if they’re actually child\/teen prodigies. I know for a fact that I really struggled through my final two years of secondary school, often rushing to the toilet in between classes so that other people didn’t see me breakdown.<\/p>\n

I was particularly having a difficult time with Chemistry; I had achieved a B grade at AS and needed an overall A grade to get into medical school. That meant I needed to attain a really good grade at A2 level to pull up the average and thus final result.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Having focused most of my efforts on Chemistry throughout the year, it left much less time for the others- notably Biology. I recall having my first ever panic attack during my final Biology A-Level paper. I was extremely close to having a complete mental breakdown about half way in, but luckily I pushed through and just wrote down anything and everything that came to mind.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

During the summer, when A-Level results day was getting closer, I was looking into clearing as I was semi convinced I had underperformed. Fortunately, I eventually found out that I had achieved AAAB.\u00a0A in three sciences, B in Maths.\u00a0<\/em>It was the biggest relief to know I had gotten into my insurance choice- Newcastle medical school. To be honest,\u00a0I had my heart set on going there anyway as from the start I heavily doubted I’d end up at Imperial.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

And I was right- I didn’t achieve the grades to be here. The average A-Level offer for medicine at Imperial, as well as the one I received, was A*AA.\u00a0In fact, I was so set on going to Newcastle that when I saw on UCAS that my place at Imperial had been confirmed anyway- I called up Newcastle to ask if they would still take me.\u00a0They said yes, on the terms that Imperial would ‘release me’.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Flash forward to this week- I sat my first big medical school exam: Molecules, Cells and Diseases (MCD). What a<\/em> b<\/em>loody nightmare :’)\u00a0<\/em>By the time I had finished my paper, there was still about 40 minutes remaining so I was left sat there in deep contemplation. It occurred to me how much my mindset had changed since I left secondary school.<\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

Exams back them were the be-all and end-all of things; it was unacceptable to not score an A, or at least significantly better than the average cohort grade. Whereas now, my primary aim is simply to pass the exam- that in itself is enough for me.<\/p>\n

N.B. I finished early not because it was a breeze and I knew all the answers, but quite the opposite.<\/em><\/p>\n

<\/p>\n

There will always be someone who’s smarter than you and more hardworking than you, and being at Imperial has allowed me fully understand that. The whole\u00a0Big fish, small pond\u00a0<\/em>to\u00a0Small fish, big pond<\/em> transition analogy is true and it’s daunting to be surrounded by actual geniuses every day. However, every day I am also surrounded by positivity and encouragement.<\/p>\n

I cling on to what my personal tutor told me at the beginning of the year- along the lines of, “There’s a reason you’re here. They didn’t give you a place because they pity you, but because they believe in you. You are smart enough and you do belong here.”<\/em><\/p>\n

So much love,
\nAlex (:<\/p>\n

(1)\u00a0NHS Employers.\u00a0Tweet chat: Imposter syndrome- the enemy within.\u00a0<\/em>Available from:\u00a0http:\/\/www.nhsemployers.org\/events\/2018\/03\/tweet-chat-on-imposter-syndrome [Last accessed: 5th May 2018].<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is the one where I open up. “Imposter syndrome is a recognised phenomenon, first identified by psychologists in 1978, and describes a feeling that your achievements are undeserved and the fear of being exposed as a fraud. 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