22 May 2019
Constantly in denial that I was sleep deprived, sleeping an average of 3 hours a day and surviving on ten cups of coffee a day. The perfectionism, the need for constantly being right and accurate at the same time, led me to this day. The lack of sleep simply put me somewhere between constantly making small mistakes that frustrates me and the paranoia that the one thing that I didn’t perfectly understood was the one thing that would fail me.
Structural Mechanics, a subject that in my opinion requires focus on details, something I admitted lack in this circumstances. I contemplated and doubted about writing this post. The fact that I’m practically publicising my weaknesses, terrifies me. But it’s an experience that I would not have if I was not here, and an experience I can share.
Feeling fairly quite satisfied with how I did on the exam earlier that day, I continued to force my brain to function. When it wasn’t I went down to the library cafe and ordered a large americano or a double espresso.
23 May 2019
At this point, I might as well change my address to SW72BB, pretty much where I spent night and day at. I was so tired, so exhausted, all I wanted to do was lay down on my bed and cover myself on a nice warming duvet, preferably on my pyjamas. But instead, I felt guilt, I felt awful if I spend 8 hours in bed instead of 8 hours of revision. So I slept only when it was absolutely necessary, until I needed to go home. Finally, I ubered back home at 8PM. Finally getting the sufficient sleep that I so deserve.
24 May 2019
Exam day! I ordered a large americano, cooled it down and drink it all before I go to the exam room. Looked through the first question, and I was like, yeah I can do this, no big deal. The second question, damn it, not this one. I remembered something like this was in one of the past papers, but a bit trickier. By a bit I mean, I’m just hoping that I didn’t already lost 1/4 question. One question at a time, the clicking sound of my fingernails on the calculator, the raised heartbeat, convincing myself that this exam doesn’t determine my future or who I seem on paper, but it does. It does, and what I did on that exam matters. Like always, I’ve always realised that things matter after its too late to do anything about it.